Marlene Dietrich

Never wanted to, what am I to do, I can’t help it. (Please insert faux German accent).

But I did, I fell in love again with my Husband, sick bags at the ready…

I didn’t even know I’d fallen out of love. Clearly over the last few years I had.  As the years go by you get lazy, emotionally lazy. “I Love you” becomes a slogan like “Have a nice day” or “Do you want fries with that”. (We’ve just booked a late honeymoon to the states, so forgive my rather crude Americanism).

You can forget, take love for granted and absorb it into the landscape of your life.

However just lately my husband’s actions reminded me, in rather a spectacular fashion, why we fell in love in the first place.

We’ve been under attack. I don’t mean that lightly or in a glib fashion. We really have been the victims of extreme prejudice, racism, homophobia and general shittery that has sent me on a downward spiral.

The perpetrator likes to write letters. Lots of letters. Nasty, offensive and threatening.

We know this person. A lot of people know this person and not in a good way. It’s safe to say he must be in a lot of pain and suffering to share it around so generously.

It got to the point on a Saturday morning were I would wake up in fear and dread as to what was going to land through the letterbox. I would visibly shake with anger and fear in anticipation of the next poisonous piece of post. He timed the communication just to ruin our week(end).

This is not good for my health, mentally or physically. I’m due my second brain op in a few months and my blood pressure has been soaring. My Migraines have tripled. That’s three a month and they tend to last two to three days at a time. My life has been painfully interrupted.

Now, under normal circumstances I am a calm and rational person. (Who am I kidding?).  It takes a lot to rile me up and get me to a state where it’s affecting my health.  I don’t know if it was the delivery of the nastiness that tipped me over the edge.  In letter form it enters  your home, your safe place, without your permission. The anger and unpleasantness is pushed into your abode and lies there like a shit packed grenade waiting for you to detonate.

Cue Husband. Enough was enough.

The first thing he does is ban me from reading the letters. He takes away the source of the worry and anxiety.  Then he calls the perpetrator and taking a cue from the assailant, tells him in the most assertive way possible within the boundaries of the law, to fuck off.

Next he calls the police. They are surprised we haven’t contacted them sooner.

Then he calls our lawyer. They are surprised we haven’t contacted them sooner.

He won’t inform me of any of the details. He keeps every single shred of nonsense out of my earshot.

Iv’e had to learn to let go. He’s had to teach me how to let go.

I think I was screaming inside for weeks, but he say’s it was the moment he saw me one Saturday morning, weeping whilst brushing my teeth, that spurred him into action. Go figure.

So he stepped up to the plate. He’s invented a new plate, a giant don’t fuck with me plate that has shielded me from everything.

We don’t court trouble. We love a simple and streamlined life. We’re good people or at least we try. We’ve worked hard to have the life that we have. (Cue Violins). Neither of us are from privileged backgrounds so it’s always been an uphill battle. One we thought we were winning.

And that’s just life isn’t it?

‘Sod’s law’ as they say. Just when you think you are winning  the universe sends you more lessons to learn – those curveball surprises that throw you out of synch and challenge you. I think it always will.

Well I was surprised or rather reminded that I am not alone. That I am incredibly lucky that I have someone who loves me enough to step in when I’m falling down.

I sleep easier, my migraines have settled down. I no longer have tears in my toothpaste (That really should the title of an Adele song).  I’m practising ‘mindfulness’ to the best of my ability and soldiering on.

So I have fallen back in  love with my husband and I will never, ever take that for granted.

Mind you, if he keeps eating my Pringles, it will be all over ..again.

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