I’d rather have a cup of tea.

Sex. O.K, I’ll go first.

I haven’t had sex in over two years and I’m happily married.

Really?

Yes, really.

But don’t you miss it?

I can barely remember it to be honest.

Hang on, isn’t physical intimacy supposed to be the basis of the relationship?

Why?

Well, I read it somewhere, you should absolutely have a healthy sex life in order to have a real Marriage.

Woah! hold up!  Let’s go back.. you ‘read’ it somewhere, I take it from one of the numerous wellbeing blogs and sexperts?

Well they can fuck right off, excuse my French.

I’m not being rude,( no, I’m really not), but who has the right to tell you what’s normal and healthy and what isn’t?

God, I couldn’t live without sex, it’s probably the most important part of my life.

Good for you. However I can tell you without any hesitation that I would rather have a cup of tea.

Why did you stop?

Well it wasn’t a conscious decision really, we just stopped. It went from a two week dry spell to two months and before we knew it it had been two years.

Do you still Love one another?

Of course, we wouldn’t be together if we didn’t, but the sex, we just grew out of it.

But you still find your husband attractive?

Well Duh! Of course I do, he’s fucking gorgeous, but like I said, we just grew out of sex with one another.

Oh, so you have sex with other people?

Absolutely not! We’re 100 percent monogamous, or rather we would be if we actually had sex. Look I can’t fully explain it, we just stopped doing it. The sky hasn’t caved in, we haven’t gone running into the arms of younger lovers, we’re just as close as we always were.

But don’t you still get the urge? I mean aren’t you frustrated?

Sometimes, but it passes, just like a headache.

And can we please just cut to the chase, so here goes.

My testosterone is above average, I’m not impotent, I’m not crap in bed (quite the opposite actually),  I’m no prude and Iv’e probably had enough sex to last me three lifetimes. Iv’e just lost interest and so has my husband.

Well you need to do something about that, get therapy, introduce roll play, do it outside, toys and porn.

Why?

Well I don’t know, it’s just normal isn’t it?

Ahh, back to what’s normal and what isn’t. Look, we’ve both spoken about it, at length and we’re really open about it with one another. We’re not saying we’ll never have sex again, it’s just that right now we don’t want to.

Oh I know, your’e too busy, you need to make time for one another.

O.K, now you’re really getting on my fucking nerves. We have all the time in the world for one another, we are top of each others priority list thank you very much.

Well what then? There must be something? 

Why? Look, just stop trying to label it. Stop trying to fit it into some cozy, safe little box. Stop trying to diagnose it as a problem. If it was a problem we’d have fixed it.

Your’e just in denial.

Right, I’m leaving. But before I do try this on for size…

How about we’ve transcended it?

That’s right, how about we fucked so hard and for so long that we’re all out.

How about we had 10 years of non stop mind-blowing sex and wev’e exhausted it. How about we no longer feel the need to jump on each other in order to show how much we love each other.

How about we listen to one another now. How about maybe, just maybe, sex was in the way?

That’s right, what if sex was stopping us seeing each other as people? How about since we stopped having sex we actually communicate properly, do other stuff together, enjoy each others company.

So it’s passionless?

Have you been listening to anything Iv’e been saying? We’re more passionate about each other than we ever were when we were having sex. I mean authentically passionate about each other.

Look I don’t expect you to understand, I don’t expect anyone to understand, I don’t want anyone else to understand! Its just right here, right now, we’re happier than we’ve ever been and we aren’t having sex.

O.K, O.K, Just asking, so where are you off to now?

For a wank…..Satisfied?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Second Male Puberty.

So he left her. My Brother in law that is. Almost immediately after having their second child he upped sticks and fucked off.

There were warning signs along the way. A very unsubtle roving eye and he totally withdrew into himself, choosing only to communicate in grunts and insults. He was transforming into somebody else right before my sister’s eyes. We all witnessed the bizarre metamorphosis, he’d regressed to a moody teenager.  He felt grounded and was going to throw a tantrum until life went his way.  It got very ugly, very fast.

My very sweet and kindhearted little sister was in pieces. Absolutely grief stricken. When someone dies you can grieve for the loss. The pain is knowing they’re never coming back. But when the spirit of someone you love dies in front of you, only to be reborn as someone new – someone alien, what’s the grief process for that? How do you process a death when that person is still alive?

Invasion of the body snatchers. Or to be more precise – Second Male Puberty.

People change, we all know that, but what we don’t always make plans for is that at a certain point in life, mid life to be precise, some people change back. They revert to the last point in their lives that they felt attractive, desired and free.

But here’s the deal, we all feel like that in middle age. 

However, most of us are mature enough to handle these new feelings  within the construct of the life we have built around us. Not burn it all to the ground.

We realise there is no going back. We try to change our current lives in a positive way without regressing. We work at it, messily, childishly, perhaps over compensating with whatever self medication we can lay our sweaty hands on, be it beer or avocado.

Or we don’t, we just glide through it. We tip our caps to our second puberty impulses, acknowledging them with a wry smile and raising a glass.

He’s a Surfer now. That’s right, got himself a VW camper, surfboards and a younger girlfriend. He’s a developed a “Best Mate” approach to parenting and like’s to say “Dude” a lot. His Kids find this cringeworthy slash amusing but they love him, he’s their Father after all, just the younger version of.

As for my sister, well she wen’t through a metamorphosis that no one was expecting. Second puberty had a reverse effect. She transformed from this timid, submissive girl into a fucking Warrior Woman. None of us could believe it. Shit – well she takes none, ever, from anybody.

And as this Amazon started getting down to business she attracted a true mate. The real love of her life. She’s remarried now, happily. This ones already been through the second puberty and come out the other side unscarred and thoroughly grown up.